Get Me Through December
by Harleyzgirl
Summary: Hotch dealing with the first holiday since Haley's death.


Get Me Through December

Disclaimer: I have absolutely no claim to either Criminal Minds or the lyrics to Get Me Through December. I am borrowing both for the sole purpose of attempting to empathize with those who are suffering through loss at what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year.

A/N: This is a huge departure for me and I know I still owe those who are reading Reclaiming His Solace the next chapter but this story has literally been haunting me and I can't take it anymore. This song has been recorded by Alison Kraus and will likely be the easiest one for folks to find however I have the version by Ali Matthews that I heard for the first time just days after my dad died a few years ago and well, needless to say it's my favourite version, if one can have a favourite version of a song that always makes me cry. Anyway, enough with all the sad stuff. I hope you all enjoy the story but at the very least hopefully now I can get some peace to finish the other story.

Hotch watched the rain as it streamed down the pane of the windows to his apartment. Shouldn't it be snowing at this time of year, he wondered? Then again, did it really matter? Maybe he should be grateful for the dull sky and rain, which matched his mood and demeanor. For a grown man he had cried more in the last month than he had since he'd been a boy. He cried for Jack who had lost his mother. He cried for Haley who'd been taken from Jack (and him) way too soon and so violently. But selfishly, he cried most for himself. For the weight of the guilt which aimed to consume him, for the realization that he might not be equipped to care for Jack in his present state and mostly because he could feel the rage from his final moments with Foyet threatening with every beat of his heart to take over where the guilt currently resided. He was less man, even less father and no agent at all. What he'd become was a monster in disguise and now he had to face the most festive time of the year when all he wanted to do was destroy everything in his sight. If not for Jack he'd be in hiding for the safety of all.

He looked around him at the shambles of his bedroom. A direct result of him losing the battle for control in the wee hours of the morning. Only by providence alone had Jack been with JJ and Will and not home to witness his father's spiral into abysmal self loathing. He couldn't allow it to happen again and most importantly he needed to have all evidence of it removed before Jack was returned to his care. Out of desperation he sought out music in hopes it would soothe the beast within him so he could concentrate. His first choice of the radio was quickly kyboshed as song after song on every station waxed poetic about the joy of the season. Barely controlling the urge to pummel the radio to scrap he turned it off then proceeded to unplug it and tuck it away in the back of his closet until at least January 2nd. Once that was done he found that the incessant quiet made it far too easy for him to be washed away in emotion, he needed a distraction, fast.

Needing at least a bit of Haley right now he turned on his computer and opened up iTunes©. There he found exactly what he'd hoped was still there. He'd created a song list the year her father had died just days before Christmas. Originally it was meant to get her through the first holiday without him but year after year she'd added to it and had even made her mother a cd copy the year before. Setting the first track to play he got to work and just let the melancholy tones swirl around him, not really listening. The opening line of the fourth song to play nearly put him on his ass it hit him so hard and by the time the song was at the chorus he was in tears once again.

Sitting on the floor amidst the shattered glass of his bureau mirror and the tumbler he'd hurled at it he felt the words of the song speak to him. Yes, he'd also felt his heart grow cold since Haley had died and he had locked away the love even though he'd promised her he'd teach their son about love. He'd done all that the song suggested and it hadn't helped. In fact he felt far, far worse and he was changing not for the better. He had a promise to keep and if he could just get through December and the holidays and all the joyfulness he'd keep it. Or would he?

As Hotch sat there in the midst of all that broken glass he felt the rage within him begin to abate at last. He had a promise to keep and damn it he refused to break the last promise he ever made to Haley after he'd cost her so dearly. It was time for him to stop wallowing. It was time for him to be a man again. The man that Haley had loved, once upon a time, enough to marry and have his child. It was time for him to face his pain, stop hating himself for his despair and be the father he knew he could be. The father he had fought Foyet to the death in order to be. He could not and would not let Foyet steal anymore from him than he already had. The closing strains of the song faded and the next song didn't even register because he was up and out of the room to grab a broom.

When JJ and Will arrive three hours later with Jack, the rest of the team and a tree he was more himself than he had been in many months. He had no allusions that grief, anger, guilt and possibly even depression would likely weave their way into his life from time to time as he worked through the loss of Haley and what it would mean for Jack and himself but he knew one thing more than any other and he'd hold on tight to that, he couldn't teach Jack about love if he shut love away. He, Aaron Hotcher had made a promise and by God he intended to keep it with every fiber of his being. In the meantime he'd be thankful for the family surrounding he and Jack and heal his way throughout December instead of enduring it.

Finis.

Get Me Through December

Lyrics: Gordie Sampson & Fred Lavery

How pale is the sky that brings forth the rain

As the changing of seasons prepares me again

For the long bitter nights and the wild winter's day

My heart has grown cold my love stored away

My heart has grown cold my love stored away

I've been to the mountain left my tracks in the snow

Where souls have been lost and the walking wounded go

I've taken the pain no girl should endure

Faith can move mountains of that I am sure

But faith can move mountains of that I am sure

Just get me through December

A promise I'll remember

Get me through December

So I can start again

No divine purpose brings freedom from sin

And peace is a gift that must come from within

I've looked for the love that will bring me to rest

Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest

Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest

Get me through December

A promise I'll remember

Get me through December

So I can start again


End file.
